Befuddled
by Marishaten
Summary: The devil offers seven wishes to Inuyasha in exchange of his soul.


A/N: Based on the 1967 movie Bedazzled written by my favourite comedy duo, Peter Cook and Dudley Moore. A modified version was submitted to Iyfic Contest for their prompt Wishful Thinking. It won joint second position.

* * *

Inuyasha was sitting alone by the well one vernal twilight, waiting for Kagome to return from her era. It was a very peaceful time. The sun was just setting in the crimson sky and the leaves had turned golden in its last cheery rays; the river was flowing lazily in the youthful breeze – it was like the stuff Bashou would write about. After an hour's futile vigil, our hanyou's thoughts had started to wander. Glutton that he was, Ramen was his first thought, and his stomach cheered him on with a growl of hunger. Greed took its place as he started dreaming about hogging an entire cup without offering even a spoonful to Shippou; a frustrated anger followed a while later at how late Kagome was; his wounded pride had stopped him from going to get her and lust…well…before he realized his eyes had started to droop.

_Poof! _

A man materialized out of thin air. He was dressed in a dapper suit, red socks and black shoes.

Inuyasha barely opened his eyes. "Fuck off," he growled menacingly. He did not appreciate randomly popping hobgoblins to disturb his siesta. The man continued to hover, however, so Inuyasha was forced to open his eyes a little wider. "I said, fuck off! Who the hell are you?"

"Hell sounds about right!" the man spoke up, "I'm the devil – Mephistopheles – Beelzebub – Satan – and also go by the name of George Spiggott." He produced a visiting card.

Inuyasha was not at all familiar with the concept of Satan, but he gathered the man was something akin to an oni or a bakemono.

"I see. And what do you want from me?"

"I've come to grant you seven wishes! In exchange, I'll claim your soul."

Having the soul ripped out partially or fully from the body was quite a painful experience – or so he had learnt from watching Kagome, and later on Kikyou, during the unfortunate episode with Urasue. Tempting as the offer was, he decided to give it a pass.

"Not that desperate. Fuck off."

"C'mon," the man insisted, "There must be something you dearly want in life."

"There are many things I dearly want in life."

"Seven of them could be yours, in exchange of something as trivial as eternal damnation. Didn't you yourself agree to go to hell?" the man smirked.

Inuyasha raised an eyebrow. _'How the hell did he know about that?'_ he thought. He did not like it when people snitched on his private hell-related conversations. For a moment, he suspected Kagome of foul play, but then he put the idea out of his mind. Kikyou was the likelier candidate anyway.

"I was caught in a moment…" he said defensively, "And it was a long time ago."

"So you are _afraid_ to go to hell?" there was a slight sneer in the man's voice.

Inuyasha bristled: "I ain't afraid of nothing!"

"Then prove it! Ask for your wishes!"

Thus cornered, Inuyasha had to cave: "Alright, let me think of something."

"That's it?" the man looked surprised, "you won't ask for proof that I'm the devil?"

"Well, you came out of thin air, you dress weird, you speak about a bunch of weird stuff, so you must be a bakemono."

"Still," he looked slightly affronted, "you could've asked for _some proof_."

Inuyasha sighed. He hated dealing with the sensitive lot.

"Ok, prove that you're 'the debiru'."

"Ask for something – anything!"

"Bring me a cup of Ramen."

Immediately a smoking cup of the most delicious Ramen materialized in front of him.

"Now you're convinced I'm the devil?"

"Hmm," Inuyasha nodded as he slurped down the food.

"So, make your wish."

Inuyasha put down the empty cup and thought what he'd like to have the most. He remembered the many times he'd felt left out when his friends were chatting – he didn't have what's conventionally known as the gift of the gab. It had led to many painful situations with Kagome as well, because he got tongue tied and couldn't explain what was going on with Kikyou. He made up his mind.

"Make me the most articulate person on earth – so articulate that conversation will never sag around me, I'll never need to think before I speak and whatever I say will impress everybody."

The man smiled gleefully: "Granted. Just remember, whenever you want to end a wish you'll need to blow a raspberry," the man clicked his fingers, "Julie Andrews!"

"Julie Andrews?"

"The magic word. Haven't you seen Mary Poppins?"

"Who's poppin'?"

"Never mind. This is my business. You go enjoy your wish."

_Poof!_

_Dramatic music_

Inuyasha was standing in a battlefield, Tessaiga drawn. Naraku was standing opposite to him, hiding behind a barrier. Shouki was spreading in the air. Miroku, Sango and Kagome were looking worried.

"Come out of your luminous sphere, you vile creature of the dark!" Inuyasha shouted, surprising himself.

Everyone looked impressed, including Naraku.

"Come and face me in battle fair, like a lion that embraces death, but abandons not his pride," Inuyasha lifted both his hands in a dramatic gesture, "for what honour is there in hiding behind that curtain of magic – the dark force of the night – that flees oh so quickly before the rising sun of courage and fortitude!"

"Inuyasha, look out!" Kagome shouted.

"Worry not, fair maiden!" he stretched out a hand in defiance, "Your warrior's life cannot be extinguished by the hands of yon obnoxious spider, which contains not a fibre of-"

One of Naraku's tentacles knocked Tessaiga off his hand.

"Be careful Inuyasha!" Miroku warned.

"Priest, I heed your warning," Inuyasha continued his soliloquy in a deep baritone, "but this battle shall be fought-"

Another tentacle pierced his back. Inuyasha fell face down into the dirt. Sango threw hiraikotsu but it was deflected by Naraku's barrier. The saimyoushou kept Miroku rooted to his spot. Inuyasha rose from the ground and brushed off the dirt. He wanted to pick up Tessaiga and wipe Naraku from the face of the earth. But a speaking frenzy had caught hold of him. Try as he might, he just couldn't stop his verbal diarrhoea.

"How do I kill thee? Let me count the ways. I'll slash thee to thy depth and breadth and height my blade can reach-"

A tentacle was coming straight at his throat.

"-when throbbing with its might…phhhbbbbt!"

_Poof!_

He was back on the grass. The man was right there, throwing some stones at a beehive under which a young boy was sleeping. Inuyasha bopped his head.

"Hey," the man shouted, "That was rather impolite of you."

"_Impolite?_ You almost got me killed out there."

"You asked to be an articulate man. You didn't specify the context."

"Keh!"

"Verbosity is such a shallow gift. Those who speak rarely act. As Pope would say, _'words are like leaves, where they most abound, much fruit of sense beneath is rarely found'._"

"I'll kill you!" the hanyou threatened, his eyes reddening.

"Anyway, since you think your wish was messed up, let me make it up to you," the man hurriedly said, keeping a worried eye on Inuyasha's orbs, "Ask for something else."

Inuyasha caught the direction of his glance.

"Are my eyes getting red?"

"I wouldn't call them red, no," the man squinted, "Sort of like titrated methyl orange. I think it's nice, brings out the colour of your kimono."

"Thanks. Well, I'll never let you mess up my battles again, that's for sure." Inuyasha was a tad mollified, "Give me a peaceful environment – in Kagome's world. And it'll be just her and me. And she'll behave very lovingly towards me and not sit me even once."

The Devil clicked his fingers again: "Julie Andrews!"

_Poof!_

_Cheerful music_

Inuyasha was standing in front of Wacdonalds. There was a baseball cap upon his head. The doors opened and Kagome emerged – but who was that with her?

Inuyasha's pulse quickened. An intense lust, a strange desire wrapped around his heart. He never felt like that for anybody – not even for Kagome. There was something about the boy's long eyelashes, his weak mouth, his thin, lanky physique…

Kagome pushed the boy away and ran towards him. She wrapped her arms around him.

"Oh Inuyasha, I missed you so much! Thank God you came!"

_Almost came…just by looking at him…_

"W-who is that?" he stammered as he licked his lips.

"Oh that's just Houjou-sempai. You don't worry about him Inuyasha, he means _nothing_ to me. Today, it'll just be you and me."

"Hou-Hou-Hou…" he gulped even though his throat was dry.

"What happened? Why are you sounding like Santa Claus?"

Inuyasha shook his head: "No, nothing at all."

"Let's go home then?"

Inuyasha nodded, tearing his glance away from the boy's surprised face. In a while later, they were inside Kagome's bedroom. She threw her purse on the bed and hurried down to get some snacks for him. Barely had his mind started picturing Houjou naked, than she returned with a tray. She set it down on the table and then sat upon her bed, looping her hand through his.

"These days we hardly get any time alone." There was a wistful note in her voice.

"Hmph." He was barely paying attention.

'_What is this strange longing? Why this sudden urge to explore unknown turfs?'_

Kagome squeezed his arm, "What's wrong Inuyasha? Why are you so quiet?"

Inuyasha looked away: "I'm not."

'_I can't put my thoughts into words Kagome – it's unnatural, it's illegal, it's taboo!' _He found it hard to suppress his rising…emotions.

"I know what it is," Kagome said dejectedly, "You're thinking about Kikyou again."

'_That walking clay pot?'_

"Nope, not at all."

Kagome bestowed her sweetest smile upon him.

'_Only yesterday, I could give anything for that smile. But now, what has gotten into me?'_

Encouraged, Kagome tilted her head up. Closing her eyes, she brought her lips closer…and closer…her eyes morphed into another's with long lashes, her hair became mousy and closely cropped, her perfect lips became weak and pale…any moment he'd kiss the object of his desire…phhhhhbbbbbtttt!

_Poof!_

"I'LL KILL YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

The man stopped in the process of untying a cow and shooing it away.

"Whatever do you mean?"

"You…you made me fall for a _guy_!"

"There's nothing wrong in that. It's very common in that era."

"Stop screwing around!"

"I'm not. It's common in all eras, but in your time people are not encouraged to speak openly about it. In the years to come these people will be ridiculed and ostracised and persecuted and condemned – all because, like you, they were born different. But it's a perfectly healthy life choice."

"It's not a choice for _me_."

Inuyasha plopped down upon the grass moodily. He cursed the moment he had set his eyes upon this stranger. _'At this rate I won't get any rest at all,'_ he thought glumly. He looked around for a way to escape the man but found none. He could only see Shippou in the distance playing with his giant top. It was making an irritating, whirring noise.

"I wish he'd stop making that noise," Inuyasha said angrily, "it's starting to give me a headache."

Immediately Shippou picked up his top and headed home. Inuyasha turned to the man and narrowed his eyes.

"That was you, wasn't it?"

"You made a wish," the Devil shrugged.

"Sneaky little devil aren't you? Alright, three down four more to go."

"Actually it's four down," the man smiled sheepishly, "you're forgetting the Ramen."

"I didn't even ask for it!"

"But you did! It's all on tape if you need proof."

"Keh! Anyway, the sooner I get rid of you the better. On to the next wish then."

"Ask away! And dream big. I'll say so far you haven't been greedy enough for the big things in life!"

"Okay," said a charged-up Inuyasha, "I'm in love with Kagome, and she's in love with me. We're married and live in a beautiful mansion in the very lap of luxury. There's no war and no Naraku and no Houjou either. There, greedy enough for you?"

"Perfect, just perfect. You sure that's all you want?"

"NO! Wait a moment!" he ran through the blueprint of the wish again, "Yes, that's what I want."

"Julie Andrews!"

_Poof!_

_Romantic music_

Inuyasha woke up in a soft bed. Expensive satin sheets rippled seductively under him. The first rays of the rising sun filtered through the large windows, reflecting the gold of the palace walls and making an ethereal golden canopy above him. Beside him slept his wife, her dark curls covering her pale face. As he stirred and stretched, she stirred as well, snuggling close to him and revealing her –

– unfamiliar face!

"W-who are you?" Inuyasha tried to pry her fingers off his arm.

The woman frowned: "Why are you asking such a question, dear husband?"

Inuyasha gulped. _That sneaky bastard! He clearly wished that he and Kagome would be married_… The woman pouted.

"Such questions make Rin very unhappy."

Rin? Ewwwww! He instinctively inched away from her.

"I think I'll go look for Kagome."

Rin sat up in bed.

"Kagome, Kagome, Kagome! It's always her isn't it? I wonder why you married Rin in the first place!"

"I, too, wonder the same," Inuyasha murmured under his breath.

"Well, go on then. Rin's not stopping you."

Inuyasha threw on his ruby silk robe and walked out of his bedroom, his feet sinking in the thick carpet. Guided by an instinct, he headed straight for the kitchen. And there he found _her_, making coffee and looking lovely in a dragon patterned periwinkle blue robe, her hair falling down to her waist, her beautiful blue eyes looking at him with love and anticipation. He crossed the distance between them in a single leap and embraced her passionately, planting hungry kisses on her mouth and down her throat.

"Oh Inuyasha!" Kagome moaned in pleasure.

"Oh Kagome, I've missed you so much! I can't bear to stay away from you anymore!"

"But we have to be patient, darling," Kagome touched his cheek tenderly, "Sesshoumaru doesn't know about us yet. I'm so afraid of the day he finds out."

"Well, let's go and tell him right now!"

"You know we can't do that! He'll disinherit you from the family property and I'll also lose out on my alimony!"

"We can start anew."

"Money is important in these troubled times when above us all hangs the shadow of a nuclear war. Besides, he won't let you live in peace for breaking Rin's heart."

Inuyasha curled his lips in contempt: "Rin knows already. Why she still latches on to me is what I don't understand."

"One has to keep appearances for the sake of propriety. A political family such as yours cashes in on image and respectability. If the society is made privy to the secrets buried in these walls the whole façade will crumble."

"Like your façade has crumbled," said a voice from outside the kitchen. Sesshoumaru ambled in with slow, aristocratic steps, "Bonding with your sister-in-law, Inuyasha? What a close-knit family! It almost brings aristocratic tears to my eyes."

"Sesshoumaru…you bastard!"

"_You're_ the bastard, half-brother. And Kagome, a veritable Caesar's wife, aren't you my dear?"

"Don't insult her-"

Sesshoumaru turned upon Inuyasha.

"You don't get to speak between husband and wife!" he wrapped his aristocratic fingers upon the hanyou's neck, "how dare you? How dare you play with Rin's feeling?"

Inuyasha started to choke as he feebly tried to ward off his aristocratic half-brother.

"I…ack! I tried to tell you…ack! But Kagome…ack! Wait…phhhhbbbbttt!"

_Poof!_

Inuyasha sat back on the grass, panting. The man looked over him worriedly.

"Something the matter?"

"You lying weasel! I wished for Kagome and I to be married!"

"You didn't specify that it had to be to each other. You wanted the both of you to be married and living in the same house. I'd say you got exactly what you wished for."

"I might've said that but I definitely didn't mean that!"

"Ah but you see I'm the devil. I live in the detail. Besides, when has love heeded formalities like marriage? It springs eternal in the heart of lovers, and when you hear its call you have to follow no matter how inconvenient the journey is. You can control your actions but you can't control your thoughts. That's my point of view. Alright, when you think about your next wish, make it as detailed as you can. Leave me no scope to spoil it for you. Go on!"

"Ok. Kagome and I are married to _each other_," he paused meaningfully, "and very much in love with each other, and we live a lazy life in a small, comfortable home away from all complications and conflicts and negativities of the world. Ha!"

"I think you did it this time, Inuyasha. Nothing can spoil that wish. Julie Andrews!"

_Poof!_

_Sad music_

Inuyasha was old, bound to a wheelchair, without a single teeth and all his hair fallen out. Kagome was clearly in her death-bed, old and frail, a lace cap worn over her white locks. A fire was blazing- phhhhbbbbttttt!

_Poof!_

"What's wrong this time?"

"I don't want to reach the ending before I've had a chance to read the book!"

"Ah but the ending's when all the complications and conflicts and negativities finally melt away. At the very end of your journey. How else can you reach there?"

"Then I'm fine with the way things are. I'll face both the good and the bad and make my journey through life with Kagome at my side. The two of us will take care of whatever comes in our way."

"Is that a wish?"

"No, that's my resolution."

"Then you wish me gone, don't you?"

"Up to you. Stay or go as you please."

The man sighed: "Alright I give up for now, Inuyasha. But remember, your six wishes are up already. The moment you say 'I wish' again, ever in your life, that's when I come to claim your soul."

"Yeah, whatever."

Inuyasha lay back and closed his eyes again. He did not know when the man had vanished from his side. After some time, Kagome threw her backpack over the well and climbed out of it.

'_The sleepyhead was actually waiting for me!'_ she wondered affectionately.

She ran to him and reached out to awaken him, but stopped to see a curious object beside him. It looked like a visiting card.

"George Spiggott," Kagome read the name aloud. _I wonder who he is…_


End file.
